wistful and frustrated

While doing my normal internet browsing while drinking my morning coffee Tuesday morning, I clicked through to Eventing Nation.   Reading EN used to be a daily activity for me, but for whatever reason, I just haven’t been as into it recently.  The reason for clicking through Tuesday morning was to watch the Millbrook HT video.

 On my drive to the barn that morning, I reflected on why I have been avoid EN recently, and the Millbrook video helped me to  realize why.  While I have competed some these past 12 months– it has been at schooling schools, and one mini trial.  Watching the video made me long for being at a recognized event.  I love the atmosphere of them – even if I am not competing.  It’s the feeling of seeing or riding a good dressage test, the anticipation and ritual before XC, and the adrenaline that comes while being on course, and the satisfaction of riding a clean stadium round. The mental preparation that happens while braiding before dressage, and making sure every speck of dust is off horse and tack. It’s the technical aspect of walking a XC course the night before and studying the fences and how they will be ridden.  It’s the feeling of screwing studs into shoes, fastening and taping boots, checking for optimum time and setting it into your watch.  It’s like gearing up for battle and I love it.  I even love the aftercare - hosing off with liniment, walking and making sure each standing wrap is perfect.

That was a wet, cold and miserable feeling weekend - but I loved it!

 I know why I haven’t been to events this year, and they are good reasons why – the wedding, building a house, Otter’s issues adjusting to the south, work.  Logically it makes sense that I haven’t gone, but there is a part of me that yearns to be on the road competing – even if just once a month or every other month.  I’m sad that I will not be able to compete, and it’s looking unlikely that I’ll even be able to volunteer during the local HT (Fleur de Leap – please come and support it!)  that will be held in September for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. 

 I know that the summer is the “off” season down here, and that is probably contributing to some of this nostalgia, but even still I know that I won’t be able to compete again until at least October, if not November.  I hate that my current job makes me miss out on so much.  My barn is off XC schooling today, and I’m stuck working, and then all the local shows over the next two months are on my weekends to work also. 

 And now I feel like this post has become super whiny.  I know I am lucky to even have a job, and I am very happy about my marriage and the house we are building.  I’m grateful that while Otter is having issues adjusting, he is getting there slowly – and that my barn has other horses for me to ride in the meantime.  I just miss riding him, and competing him.  He is so much fun to ride XC – even when just schooling. 

 We’ll be back out there, eventually.